Standing at the final stage of my education cycle, i'm actually really worried what the future lies for me. I don't like how i'm not sure what's going to happen to me for the next half of this year or rather for the next half of my life. For the past twenty one years thereabout, life has been pretty much planned and that is to study. Moving on from preschool to primary school to secondary school to a junior college to eventually a university. I didn't have to bother about what i'm going to do next. The only problem was where to go. But right now, i'm almost at the end, facing the many crossroads in life wondering what i should, where i should go and how should i go about embarking on a new stage of life.
Well, it's not that i don't know what to do because i do. Just not, exactly. Ever since i was thirteen, i wanted to work in the banking industry and that, to me, is still a dream. Don't ask me why the banking sector, because i don't know either. I know how many wanted to enter the banking & finance industry because jobs in the industry are well-paid and people who take on roles in this sector are deemed to be 'successful'. Well, that's a very rational way of thinking but for me, that's not quite the reason. Yes, a job that pays well is indeed attractive but most importantly, i want a job that i'll be able to enjoy and wage wise, it's secondary. I want to be able to 'not get sian of what i do for the next 20-30years' and from what i'm doing, i hope to achieve a certain level of job satisfaction. I want to be able to wake up every morning and feel motivated to go to work. Personally, i feel that being able to achieve the above-stated far exceeds the monetary benefit of a job. No, i'm not saying that the pay is not important because in all honesty, it is (especially for me since i don't come from a that well to-do family background). Just that, pay is not everything that i'm looking for in a permanent job. Then again, i'm not sure what exactly i want to do in the industry either. Like i'm not exactly sure what positions / job scopes there are in the industry because what i read online seems a little ambiguous. Sigh, there's just so much that i don't know and am unsure of.
So i've been going on and on about what i want but well, life doesn't quite work that way (at least for me). I don't usually get what i want. I've been a reject my entire living, i barely see a future for myself right now. The future is so bleak, i can't even.... Ever since i was enrolling into primary school, i've been rejected all the way till university (and also many occasions of job-hunting). I didn't manage to get in to the primary school of my first choice because i was (am) residing 200m further than the required area to be automatically enrolled and my luck was just bad enough that i wasn't pick to enroll when the lots were drawn. Subsequently, in P2 i had chicken pox during end of year examinations and i was dropped from the best class to the second class based on my SA1 results. I remained in the second class all the way till P6 and PSLE was mehz. My 3 bestfriends topped the class and 2 of them are actually the top 5 in the school. Getting just a mere 233 T-score, i was the bottom few of my class. Moving on to secondary school, i didn't manage to get into my first choice because of my not-good-enough results. Again, i was in the second class occupying the last few spots in class. O levels was terrible (my clique of friends did really well - getting single digit L1R5), i feel so ashamed looking at my certificate and if i were given a second chance in life, i'd want to study harder and do better because i know i am capable of achieving better results. And so, with my raw L1R5 of 16 and cut-off of 12, i tried my luck applying and appealing to CJ which has a cut off of 11 at that point, but was of course rejected (i'd an acquaintance who got a raw of 17 and managed to get in because he is a catholic from an affiliate school ugh why got such thing). But anyway, i survived the two years in pioneer junior college and again, my results disappoint. Especially from the subject that i was supposed to score in. I was constantly on the 80th percentile in the cohord for my H2 math and i love math, it was (is) my favorite and most confident subject yet i ended up getting a D. Getting a BBD-DE (I was super weak in my H1 Chem and GP ever since day one and my H2s are supposedly to be better) couldn't get me a spot in the 'Business' / 'Economics' degree programme in any of the local universities despite my appeals. I did not want to get into any other courses in the local universities because i was quite clear that i probably wouldn't like it anywhere else. So here i am, in SIM-UOL doing business. My results from the past two years aren't fantastic but just good enough to put me into the top 10% of the school. I don't have any distinctions at all, my grades hovered around 60 thereabout, which dashed my hope of getting a first class honors. As of my final year here in SIM, i'm barely surviving.
No, i was not only constantly getting rejected education wise. I've also been rejected countless times applying for part-time jobs, bank internships and most recently, bank graduate programmes. I've been more proactive than any of my own circle of friends in hunting for a job but all i get are just rejects after rejects. Then again, based on my past job experiences and really lousy grades, i'd almost nothing to boost about myself. I even feel shameful that i've to cook up things to self-market. I was told by the career advisor from my school that i had zero chances of entering the banking industry due to my incapability. I am aware of how 'not-good-enough' or 'not-good-at-all' i am but i desperately want a chance to prove that i can excel and i'm still holding on to that thin thread of hope that an employer in the banking industry will give me the chance to. I don't know if anybody feel the same way as i do, constantly being reminded of how incapable i am, getting so many rejections in life so much so that i'm mentally scarred. I am inferior, inferior to the people who are better than me. I am afraid, afraid that these people would look, point fingers and laugh at my incapability.
At the end of the day, i know that i am probably my own contradiction. My laziness is really the root of everything, and for this, i get frustrated at myself. I tend to procrastinate alot. Well, i do get motivated from time to time, but those motivations never did last. I've been trying to change for the better though. My mind is in a whirlwind at the moment and i really don't like this sinking feeling of not knowing what to expect in the near future. I know education is not everything. I am also aware that there are many many people out there who are successful despite their lack in qualifications. I am aware that one's personality, character and attitude will bring them to greater height rather than their qualifications. But we can't deny that having live in this competitive society, a good qualification could serve as a stepping stone to soar.
Anyway, I don't think i've ever shared something so personal and close to heart on a social platform. I guess i really need somewhere to rant and there's just so much weighing on my mind and i really couldn't find someone that could understand my situation / concern. Thankful that i've this private space to myself to type whatever i want to type. May life gets better soon x
