These few weeks, i've been going through some rough internal struggle of emotions. Have been trying so hard to keep myself sane, to keep the positive vibes going, to have a smile plastered on my face but all to no avail. It's like fighting a losing mental battle against myself. I can no longer conceal the sadness, the disappointment, the emptiness and the fear i'd within me. On some nights, i cry myself to sleep and on some days, i woke wishing i could sleep forever.
I've tried accepting that people comes and goes in life. But it's just me, part of my character to carry on trying, to have that desire to keep everybody in my life. As much as i tell myself that i probably shouldn't care anymore, i just ... cant. It feels like i'm so distant from everybody, like i'm all alone fighting the crazy world out there. It's scary knowing that you mean so little to people who mean so much to you. It's upsetting to find out how much i've been lied to and how much i've been made used of. The truth hurts so much, i'd rather live life a lie. It's the little things that makes me happy yet it's the little things that breaks me apart.
The inferior monster in me has been feeding itself pretty well, slowly but surely engulfing me. I really question my existence in this world sometimes. So much bottled feelings that i can no longer find someone to pour out to. I'm such a mess but i hope, someday i'll be at somewhere happier and i wish for that someday to arrive quickly for i am waiting, to be happy.
